Living the "Ordinary" Dad Life
Brian Cheung, dad of 3
Becoming a father is life-changing. Every aspect of it – from my sleep schedule to my priorities, to my spending habits, and even my body shape.
Parenthood can feel overwhelming.
This said, fatherhood has its highlights too.
The most impactful moment was even before my children cried out for the very first time in the delivery suite.
It was actually at a gynae visit in the first trimester, and the very first time I heard the rapid and rhythmic heartbeat of each of my children - the clear sign of life - the lives that are fearfully and wonderfully made!
In approaching Father’s Day, I must acknowledge that a strong family is never my own effort but very much a reflection of a strong relationship between the married couple.
It takes two people who put in consistent effort all while remaining teachable to do that. My wife and I maintain open communication with one another, share our thought processes, and what we have read or learnt.
Even during disagreements, she has shown me that it is never a “me-versus-you” situation, but that we are on the same team working to find a solution together.
As with all things, fathering requires practice to get better. It is also easier to start while the children are still young so that it becomes a norm for Daddy to take care of them as well.
The solo-parenting trip turned out not to be scary at all.
Beyond that, I have an important community of peer parents who help to anchor and show me what real-life parenting can be like.
From sharing about our parenthood struggles to joking about how we keep our children alive,
we learnt not to be overly stressed when we fail or when we need to sign the children up for school. We also gain fresh ideas of play or new perspective towards one another’s stories.
Truly, the days of fatherhood are long but the years are short.
For now, I hope to be present and relatable. I want to be their safe space so that when they grow up, they will be comfortable enough to share their joys and struggles with me.
We often hear that the first moments of a baby’s birth are magical and unforgettable.
No doubt it is true but beyond that, there are many moments where reality sets in and we realise that we are so unprepared.
I have made many mistakes in my journey and one prime example is that before my firstborn, we diligently signed up for an antenatal class to learn the ropes.
But by the time I had to handle my real moving baby, I had forgotten everything.
An example would be when I brought my firstborn to Thailand for a holiday on my own at 1 and a half years old!
Or when we roughed it out camping through a thunderstorm at East Coast Park.
She has also been very empowering since Day 1.
There are mothers who are overprotective the children and cautious of letting the fathers handle the kids.
In the process, the fathers get less opportunity to practice and the notion that the father cannot handle the children well becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Like most, how I was brought up has inevitably shaped the way I relate to my children.
Having been brought up in a more traditional Asian home, I recall that it was not easy for my parents to express or verbalise affection. That said, I know they have been trying to come out of my grandparents’ mould as well.
As a father now, I am still a work-in-progress who lives by the daily motto, 'connection before correction'.
As a father now, I am still a work-in-progress who lives by the daily motto,'connection before correction'.
Realising that going hard on my firstborn always backfires, I now remind him that we are a team. While there are instances I may fail at putting connection first, I can only hope that I would do better each time.
I am thankful that my wife trusts me with the children: I bathed them since the day they came home from the hospital and she has provided me with a safe space to learn and grow.
I truly appreciate how she gives me opportunities to manage the children on my own and in the process, bond with them.
